From Abuse to BEing Heard… and Hearing

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It’s been far too long since I’ve posted on my blog. Frankly, feeling sorry for myself, I doubted anyone cared, that anyone would want to hear what I have to say. Nothing like manifesting what I believed to be true. How does this manifest in my life???

I wear hearing aids. If you think about the mind/body connection you might deduce – ‘she doesn’t want to hear and/or feel she isn’t heard’. That would be true.

I spent my life wanting to be heard. Yet I was scared to open up about my feelings because I had learned very young that if I did I would be punished or told I was making things up. Even as an adult I felt I was shut down constantly, that how I felt and what I had to say didn’t matter.

I was sexually abused at about age 7 by a friend of my older brother. I was also abused by same brother (now deceased). I don’t remember what I was told that prevented me from telling anyone – or if I did – did they listen? I don’t know why I didn’t have the courage to say No! And I don’t blame myself. I was 7 or 8 years old when it started.

I guess I can say I was lucky. It’s about perspective, after all. It didn’t happen all the time. Actually, I can probably count on 2 hands how many times something happened to me as a child. That doesn’t diminish the emotional consequences that stayed with me for decades.

As an adult, I met some wonderful men over the years that were wonderful, kind and loving, but I never felt good enough for them so I let them go. Rather, I was attracted to men, and some friends for that matter, and even family members, who were abusive. My internal mantra was who I was wasn’t good enough. We don’t want to hear what you have to say. Who and what I was was wrong. Until…

After a 6 year on and off relationship with a man who raped me, sexually abused me, was financial, emotionally, psychologically abusive, and a pathological liar (borderline psychopath) I finally said NO. I had finally reached a point, seeing a small spark in myself, to believe in myself enough to end it and take my power back.

And I haven’t looked back. Eleven years later I married an incredible man who loves me unconditionally and I, him.

The lesson I had to learn was to love myself unconditionally. That who and what I am is right. That I did the best I could with the resources I had and….. Great talk. Challenging to implement into my BEing. I could teach it. But it took a while to feel it, choose it, BE it.

Bottom line – it takes work. Does it have to be hard work or easy? Or can it be like learning to walk as a child? You start with one step at a time. First how to lift yourself. Then roll over, sit, crawl, stand, hold on and take ‘baby’ steps – and ‘before you know it’ you are walking. It takes work. It takes time. It takes commitment! And Courage!

You can do it too. Find the resources you need to guide you, to help you help yourself – because no one can do it for you. I promise you. It is SO worth it!

And today? I had lunch with a friend and forgot to put on my hearing aids – and heard everything easily and I know I was being heard as well. Hallelujah!

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