I’ve believed – or rather – convinced myself I am not afraid of authority. It’s easy to think that, even convince myself of it. Yet, the truth is, it’s not about authority.
Today was strange. Time was not accomodating me as I had planned. I wasn’t concerned about it as I figured that everything was happening for a reason. I wasn’t suppose to get back home earlier than I did from Yoga. I wasn’t suppose to leave as intended for my dentist appointment. The appointment wasn’t when I thought it was.
Driving home, I found out why I was where I was when I was.
I decided I could drive, illegally, in the reserved lane for cars with 2 or more people. As soon as I entered the lane I saw an unmarked police car, who, you got it, saw me. I immediately pulled back to correct lane, crossing the double solid lines, also illegal. Then I prayed – to no avail.
I was upset! So upset, I was shaking like a leaf with tears in my eyes. It was all I could do to get my license out of my wallet. My whole body was shaking. Did the cop scare me? Was it about fear of authority? I don’t think so.
My limbic system kicked in telling me ‘I was bad!’, ‘I’m in trouble for being a bad girl!’ – all those messages we get as kids from our parents and those in authority when we’ve ‘been caught’ or judged wrongly when we didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. I knew this was a life lesson for me.
It wasn’t about getting a ticket or driving illegally in the lane. It’s about doing the work with my limbic system to free myself of the automatic ’I am wrong’, ‘I am bad’ belief systems. It’s time to replace them with I am right. I am good. This was the right thing to happen. It’s about giving myself freedom from the phd I have in beating myself up. I thought I had. Nope – just another layer of the onion to peel.
It’s time to retrain my limbic system with positive affirmations and selftalk.
So now, I’m going to have a glass of wine. I could say, no, it’s wrong because I am reacting. Or I could say – I’m right and it’s OK because I deserve to sit and relax for a bit.
Another day, another life lesson. Sigh ~~~