THE UNIVERSE UNFOLDS …..

Bottom line – life is tough.  Scott Peck begins his book The Road Less Travelled with this thought.  Buddha says it’s one of the Four Noble Truths. (Life is suffering.)

And?

I pride myself on taking responsibility for my behaviours including what I manifest in my life.  Taking responsibility though,  can be so challenging.  Sometimes it just seems easier to go into blame mode.  But I know that never works.  It accomplishes nothing – except more pain.

There are times (thankfully less and less) that I go into a funk so deep it scares me.  I watch myself.  I know I am losing control.  The pain and anger I am feeling is not really about someone or something else, but about me.  I watch ‘her’ and tell her to stop but it is without conviction.  The need to lash out is stronger.  And the pain goes deeper.  So deep I wonder if I’ll ever come out.

And then I pray.  Please.  Help me. Three words.  And within minutes I fall to sleep, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

Upon waking I know I have to work on this if I am to feel better about myself.  Relax.  Process.  Meditate.  Journal.  Read uplifting teachings.  All this with the intention of eradicating that part of myself – be rid of her once and for all.

It was not a surprise to find out that was the last thing I needed to do.  I teach this stuff.  Eradicate?!  I needed to integrate what I know to be true at a much deeper level.

‘She’ needs love.  She needs acceptance and approval.  She needs to be embraced fully for who she is.  And she needs it from me.

She is a part of me.  If I am to truly love myself that means loving ALL of me, not just what I approve of, what I appreciate, not just the ‘good’ stuff.

I bring her into my arms and invite her into my heart.  I  embrace her, wholly.  I tell her I love her unconditionally.  I accept and approve of her. Her purpose was to teach me.  I thank her.

I are calm.  I breathe deeper, feeling connected to my higher power, knowing through my tears, that I have a voice and that it is safe to express that voice, openly, and with love.

I forgive.  My self.  Again.

and the Universe Unfolds~~~

I’ve believed – or rather – convinced myself I am not afraid of authority.  It’s easy to think that, even convince myself of it.  Yet, the truth is, it’s not about authority.

Today was strange.  Time was not accomodating me as I had planned.  I wasn’t concerned about it as I figured that everything was happening for a reason.  I wasn’t suppose to get back home earlier than I did from Yoga.  I wasn’t suppose to leave as intended for my dentist appointment.  The appointment wasn’t when I thought it was.

Driving home, I found out why I was where I was when I was.

I decided I could drive, illegally, in the reserved lane for cars with 2 or more people.  As soon as I entered the lane I saw an unmarked police car, who, you got it, saw me.  I immediately pulled back to correct lane, crossing the double solid lines, also illegal.  Then I prayed – to no avail.

So what?

I was upset!  So upset, I was shaking like a leaf with tears in my eyes.  It was all I could do to get my license out of my wallet.  My whole body was shaking.  Did the cop scare me?  Was it about fear of authority?  I don’t think so.

My limbic system kicked in telling me ‘I was bad!’,  ‘I’m in trouble for being a bad girl!’ – all those messages we get as kids from our parents and those in authority when we’ve ‘been caught’ or judged wrongly when we didn’t necessarily do anything wrong.  I knew this was a life lesson for me.

It wasn’t about getting a ticket or driving illegally in the lane.  It’s about doing the work with my limbic system to free myself of the automatic ’I am wrong’, ‘I am bad’ belief systems.  It’s time to replace them with I am right.  I am good.  This was the right thing to happen.  It’s about giving myself freedom from the phd I have in beating myself up.  I thought I had.  Nope – just another layer of the onion to peel.

It’s time to retrain my limbic system with positive affirmations and selftalk.

So now, I’m going to have a glass of wine.  I could say, no, it’s wrong because I am reacting.  Or I could say – I’m right and it’s OK because I deserve to sit and relax for a bit.

Another day, another life lesson.  Sigh ~~~

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Am I having fun yet?

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

Have you ever noticed what happens to you when you’re asked to do something new? Do you get anxious or fearful? Does your heart start to beat just a little faster? Do you argue with yourself about whether or not you can do it and say yes anyway but with trepidation?

I suppose some of you simply look at the situaion as exciting and a wonderful challenge – which by the way will cause most of the same symptoms but are translated as excitement. I only wish…

I was asked to take on a new role – at least make a proposal for it – and although I felt it would be great fun once I was into it – the getting into it caused me to question my ability to do the job. Was I capable of learning the ins and outs of the job? Was the rate I was quoting reasonable? Am I worth it? There are professionals out there doing the same thing? Can I do as a good a job? Emotions, doubt, confusion, anxiety. Stop already!

One thing I have learned over the years is to step back from the emotion and being so subjective. I have learned that looking at a situation objectively – from a less than emotional perspective always gave me new insight, fresh ideas and a sense of calmness I otherwise wouldn’t know. What are the facts? What are some options? Is it something I really want to do versus my ego saying yes simply because I was asked? Will it be fun? What steps would need to be taken to begin? So what? Could I learn using my own resources? Is there someone I can talk it through with that I trust? And – is beating myself up working for me!?!

Today I realized how many times I have felt fearful or anxious only to come to the realization that what appeared to be overwhelming and challenging was in fact relatively simple or quite learnable.

It’s all about perspective! It’s rarely an either/or situation. Reaching out to someone is a sign of resilience and a good thing. So – I’m going to play now and see how easy it really is going to be – and fun to boot! And let’s see how the Universe Unfolds…

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Who am I?

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Buddha

If we only knew! It’s like peeling an onion. We shed one layer and lo and behold isn’t there another that shows itself and sometimes it just stinks!

Another AHA moment – and this time about our birth names. For instance, as a child:

‘Patricia Ruth Barnes!!! or just ‘Patricia!!! Oh-oh!!! I’m in trouble! Fear sets in. I’ve done something wrong – again. I’m not good enough.’

Has this happened to you? Thinking about it do you wonder what kind of imprint it might have left on your psyche, on who you are?

I now understand why my husbands’ desire to call me ‘Patricia’ did not give me a warm fuzzy feeling whereas in my previous marriage I was called Pattie which I loved as it didn’t have a history, particularly a negative one!

We unconsciously connect our name to our identity, who we are. When it is used to inject fear what does that do to our self esteem, sense of self? As children we don’t have the capability or capacity to deferentiate what we own vs. what the parent owns so we invaribly take on a belief system that it’s all about us.

The truth is our parents likely learned this behaviour from their parents who learned it from…..so it’s in our DNA. So blame mode is useless – as it always is. We can only hope that the best of who we are was also reinforced. Meanwhile on our journey of life we find whatever works for us to help us to learn to be fully the love that we are.

It’s huge when we become self aware at the conscious level. We can logically think about what is true and what is not. The work then becomes how to make the shift at the limbic or unconscious level. In my case I have some meditations that are directed specifically to making these shifts at my limbic (or subconscious) level – and the work continues.

Who am I? I am worthwhile! I am powerful. I am love and I am loved. I am Patricia Ruth Barnes Milland.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Baby Steps

Baby steps
One at a time
Come to me
As if in a line

Sometimes I pay attention
Sometimes I don’t
When I do, I win
When I don’t, I don’t

When I pay attention
My life feels full
I like who I am
I have that extra pull

I want to become more
No longer feel low
I become more aware
Of how far I can go

Being right doesn’t serve me
Being open always does
To renewing my faith
In the end it’s about love

It’s not that I’m not good
I am learning I am
It’s the insights that shift
Becoming more of I AM

It’s funny – not really
How we just plugged along
One foot in front of the other
With the thought we are alone

When I pay attention
The journey’s worthwhile
I have something to offer
That brings from within, a smile

To continue to pay attention
For the gifts that I receive
For when I ask for guidance
How quickly I perceive

The clarity comes swiftly
Most of the time
It’s when I pay attention
I make the change mine

It’s easy when we ask
For the help we so desire
It’s in the letting go
Of having to stay in the fire