The Sun Never Says

Dr. David Simon, co-founder of the Chopra Center and partner of Deepak Chopra passed January 31 after a 20 month journey with brain cancer. David was a leader in mind/body health and I recall him saying that it was a cosmic joke that he should have a brain tumor. He dealt with it in a way only he could – with love, acceptance and an understanding of the paradox of life. I can only hope that one day I have so much wisdom and love…

I am having a very challenging time with David’s passing. I spend my life figuring out why or how life happens. It hits me at my core and all I believe about mind/body health – that there is always a correlation between the two. Perhaps not always apparently. Or there may have been something he hadn’t dealt with that stayed in his unawareness and he chose to go. There are those who will say – his time had come. Regardless – what I know for sure is that this in only the beginning of his wisdom becoming even more well-known world wide. And that’s a good thing.

I hope to find the wisdom through meditation, that his passing brings. Meanwhile instead of trying to analyse or rationalize this, I will, as my dear friend, Liz suggests, simply feel my feelings, accepting them for what they are without searching for answers. The following is a favorite poem of David’s by Hafiz:

Even
after
all this time
the sun never says to the earth
“You owe me”
Look
what happens
with a love like that ~
It lights the whole world.

Blessings,
Pat

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.  ~Jan Glidewell

What am I really grieving?  Is it really because I want what I thought we had?  Was it really about the status of where we lived and our beautiful home?  Is it really about missing the woods where I so loved to walk?  Or is it deeper?  Is it really a lack of not ‘feeling enough’ within vs. measuring who I am by what I have and how I perceive others might see me?

What I am beginning to more fully understand  is that others who have what I wish I had also feel a sense of lack regardless of how well they are living.  There is something lacking is spite of what they (we) so abundantly have.  I suspect the truth is more about how we feel about ourselves.  Are we really lovable?  Are we good enough just as we are?  Are we accepted just we are?  Are we approved of?

I know when I am in a place of gratitude for the gifts that I take for granted, then money or status would become secondary or even more important, immaterial.  Chances are I will begin manifesting more to be grateful for when I truly can let go of wanting more externally, outside of myself.

Gratitude is something I intend to be more conscious of – not just in meditation, or journaling – but in every moment.  Like these!  I have my health.  I can type.  I can share and  communicate – hopefully inspire.  I can see.  I can read.  My hands and fingers move with ease.  I can cross my legs.  I am breathing with ease.  I can hear.  I can feel the air on my skin.  I can touch.  I can hug and receive hugs.  I have freedom.  I can smell.  I can appreciate a beautiful majestic starry night, the puffy clouds in a blue sky, the beauty of a flower.  I love.  I care.  I can smile.  I give and I receive.  My heart beats without any conscious choice and gives me life.  I am life!  I can make choices!

And what about the people in my life – my exceptional and loving partner, wonderful, caring friends, cherished family members including the gifts of my two sons, and all those that cross my path each day that my life would be less than, without…

This feels so good.  I have enough and then some.  I AM enough just as I am.  I am blessed.  And the Universe Unfolds~~~

‎“Everybody matters. Everyone just wants to be heard.” – Oprah

I cry

Who Am I?

I cry

Can I really be who I AM?

I cry

Help me

I cry

I am helped

I sigh

Ahh, there you are

I sigh

Take a deep breath

I hope

I can do this?

I ask

What is This?

I say

It’s me!

I ask

Let me give

I ask

Let me share

I ask

Please receive me

I say

OK if not

I know

I am loved

I know

I am love

I know

I AM

I can

Just do it

I can

Find my way

I can!

I cry.

Patricia R. Milland

Sept. 8/11 5:39 p.m.

“God gives nothing to those who keep their arms crossed.”
- African Proverb

In July I attended Deepak Chopra‘s Seduction of Spirit Retreat in Whistler, B.C.  It was a completely wonderful and enlightening experience.  Each day included meditations, yoga, and workshops including The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.  I love this book and read it almost daily.

I am a giver.  My friends are givers.  Giving is good.  It’s something we’ve all been taught, women in particular.  As women we all too often give at the expense of ourselves rarely taking into account what might be to our highest good.  Unfortunately, we rarely learn to receive, at least not gracefully.

When you think about it, you really can’t have one without the other.  It isn’t a pleasant feeling to give knowing your gift or what you offer is rejected, diminished or unappreciated.  To avoid these bad feelings means learning to give without an agenda or outcome in mind, without attachment.  How it is received, or not, is immaterial.  Like the sunrise – it simply rises and shines expecting nothing in return.

But what about receiving?  How often are we offered something – a gift, a compliment, a hug, love – and the tapes in our minds question the reason for the giving, question the giver’s agenda assuming they have one?  How often do we reject it, or diminish it saying ‘you shouldn’t have’.  How often do we record in our minds we must return in kind instead of simply accepting and appreciating the gift?

Are you open and accepting of receiving – a gift, a hug, a smile, love?  Do you believe you are worth it?  Is that really what it comes down to – feeling worthy?  I think, yes.  When we feel worthy the tapes in our heads turn off.  When we feel worthy we can smile, feel the love, accept the gift with open arms.  We allow ourselves to allow the energy of goodness into our lives without question, without doubt, without stories.  It’s like seeing a beautiful sky at sunset or hearing the birds sing in the morning.  It can simply be.  In the receiving, we can be giving.

As Deepak says in the second spiritual law – Keep wealth circulating by giving AND receiving – care, affection, appreciation and love.

Namaste and blessings to you.

“To the illumined man or woman, a clod of dirt, a stone, and gold are the same.” Bhagavad Gita

I am reading, again, Deepak Chopra’s, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, this time with the intention of implementing the laws into my daily life on a more consistant basis.

The first law is The Law of Pure Potentiality in which he suggests we get in touch with nature every day to see how the law lives there.

Not wanting to go out into the dreary, damp, cool air I chose to look at my Jade plant.  As I looked at the leaves and thought about how they simply grow, reach up, the shape of the leaves, I was drawn to see the dirt in which the plant grows.  An AHA moment!

We take dirt for granted.  In our daily lives we see dirt as something that has to be cleaned, washed away, something to be avoided at all costs.  But looking at it from nature’s point of view – what is a plant (or a flower or a tree) without the dirt?

There is so much life in dirt.  There is death in dirt that transforms back into life.  It is really quite a miracle.  Some dirt has more nutrients than others.  What gives it it’s nutrients?  What drains it of it’s nutrients?  We all know the answers when we think about it.  And how do those answers apply to our lives and how we live them?

Dirt, low in nutrients, can be revitalized.  We know that.  The same applies to our lives.  It is up to those of us wanting a revitalized life to feed ourselves the nutrients we require to feel and live a richer life.

I like the idea of my life being a metaphor for dirt.  Not to be washed away, but, to be a source of life, of regrowth, of value, sharing my nutrients  in all my interactions with others and with the planet.  I teach or rather, share what I have learned with those who are interested.  My wisdom gained through life experiences have earned me my Ph’d in Life.  I’d like to feel that my dirt, as rich as dark soil, feeds whatever or whoever taps into my energy field.

To manifest this, I renew my commitment to becoming more fully the love that I AM, to share, to teach, to be a catalyst in life for life.  I continue to feed myself the nutrients I need to be the richest soil I can Be.

And the Universe Unfolds~~~

Bottom line – life is tough.  Scott Peck begins his book The Road Less Travelled with this thought.  Buddha says it’s one of the Four Noble Truths. (Life is suffering.)

And?

I pride myself on taking responsibility for my behaviours including what I manifest in my life.  Taking responsibility though,  can be so challenging.  Sometimes it just seems easier to go into blame mode.  But I know that never works.  It accomplishes nothing – except more pain.

There are times (thankfully less and less) that I go into a funk so deep it scares me.  I watch myself.  I know I am losing control.  The pain and anger I am feeling is not really about someone or something else, but about me.  I watch ‘her’ and tell her to stop but it is without conviction.  The need to lash out is stronger.  And the pain goes deeper.  So deep I wonder if I’ll ever come out.

And then I pray.  Please.  Help me. Three words.  And within minutes I fall to sleep, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

Upon waking I know I have to work on this if I am to feel better about myself.  Relax.  Process.  Meditate.  Journal.  Read uplifting teachings.  All this with the intention of eradicating that part of myself – be rid of her once and for all.

It was not a surprise to find out that was the last thing I needed to do.  I teach this stuff.  Eradicate?!  I needed to integrate what I know to be true at a much deeper level.

‘She’ needs love.  She needs acceptance and approval.  She needs to be embraced fully for who she is.  And she needs it from me.

She is a part of me.  If I am to truly love myself that means loving ALL of me, not just what I approve of, what I appreciate, not just the ‘good’ stuff.

I bring her into my arms and invite her into my heart.  I  embrace her, wholly.  I tell her I love her unconditionally.  I accept and approve of her. Her purpose was to teach me.  I thank her.

I are calm.  I breathe deeper, feeling connected to my higher power, knowing through my tears, that I have a voice and that it is safe to express that voice, openly, and with love.

I forgive.  My self.  Again.

and the Universe Unfolds~~~

I’ve believed – or rather – convinced myself I am not afraid of authority.  It’s easy to think that, even convince myself of it.  Yet, the truth is, it’s not about authority.

Today was strange.  Time was not accomodating me as I had planned.  I wasn’t concerned about it as I figured that everything was happening for a reason.  I wasn’t suppose to get back home earlier than I did from Yoga.  I wasn’t suppose to leave as intended for my dentist appointment.  The appointment wasn’t when I thought it was. 

Driving home, I found out why I was where I was when I was.

I decided I could drive, illegally, in the reserved lane for cars with 2 or more people.  As soon as I entered the lane I saw an unmarked police car, who, you got it, saw me.  I immediately pulled back to correct lane, crossing the double solid lines, also illegal.  Then I prayed – to no avail.   

So what?

I was upset!  So upset, I was shaking like a leaf with tears in my eyes.  It was all I could do to get my license out of my wallet.  My whole body was shaking.  Did the cop scare me?  Was it about fear of authority?  I don’t think so.

My limbic system kicked in telling me ‘I was bad!’,  ‘I’m in trouble for being a bad girl!’ – all those messages we get as kids from our parents and those in authority when we’ve ‘been caught’ or judged wrongly when we didn’t necessarily do anything wrong.  I knew this was a life lesson for me. 

It wasn’t about getting a ticket or driving illegally in the lane.  It’s about doing the work with my limbic system to free myself of the automatic ’I am wrong’, ‘I am bad’ belief systems.  It’s time to replace them with I am right.  I am good.  This was the right thing to happen.  It’s about giving myself freedom from the phd I have in beating myself up.  I thought I had.  Nope – just another layer of the onion to peel.

It’s time to retrain my limbic system with positive affirmations and selftalk.

So now, I’m going to have a glass of wine.  I could say, no, it’s wrong because I am reacting.  Or I could say – I’m right and it’s OK because I deserve to sit and relax for a bit. 

Another day, another life lesson.  Sigh ~~~ 

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Am I having fun yet?

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer

Have you ever noticed what happens to you when you’re asked to do something new? Do you get anxious or fearful? Does your heart start to beat just a little faster? Do you argue with yourself about whether or not you can do it and say yes anyway but with trepidation?

I suppose some of you simply look at the situaion as exciting and a wonderful challenge – which by the way will cause most of the same symptoms but are translated as excitement. I only wish…

I was asked to take on a new role – at least make a proposal for it – and although I felt it would be great fun once I was into it – the getting into it caused me to question my ability to do the job. Was I capable of learning the ins and outs of the job? Was the rate I was quoting reasonable? Am I worth it? There are professionals out there doing the same thing? Can I do as a good a job? Emotions, doubt, confusion, anxiety. Stop already!

One thing I have learned over the years is to step back from the emotion and being so subjective. I have learned that looking at a situation objectively – from a less than emotional perspective always gave me new insight, fresh ideas and a sense of calmness I otherwise wouldn’t know. What are the facts? What are some options? Is it something I really want to do versus my ego saying yes simply because I was asked? Will it be fun? What steps would need to be taken to begin? So what? Could I learn using my own resources? Is there someone I can talk it through with that I trust? And – is beating myself up working for me!?!

Today I realized how many times I have felt fearful or anxious only to come to the realization that what appeared to be overwhelming and challenging was in fact relatively simple or quite learnable.

It’s all about perspective! It’s rarely an either/or situation. Reaching out to someone is a sign of resilience and a good thing. So – I’m going to play now and see how easy it really is going to be – and fun to boot! And let’s see how the Universe Unfolds…

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Who am I?

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Buddha

If we only knew! It’s like peeling an onion. We shed one layer and lo and behold isn’t there another that shows itself and sometimes it just stinks!

Another AHA moment – and this time about our birth names. For instance, as a child:

‘Patricia Ruth Barnes!!! or just ‘Patricia!!! Oh-oh!!! I’m in trouble! Fear sets in. I’ve done something wrong – again. I’m not good enough.’

Has this happened to you? Thinking about it do you wonder what kind of imprint it might have left on your psyche, on who you are?

I now understand why my husbands’ desire to call me ‘Patricia’ did not give me a warm fuzzy feeling whereas in my previous marriage I was called Pattie which I loved as it didn’t have a history, particularly a negative one!

We unconsciously connect our name to our identity, who we are. When it is used to inject fear what does that do to our self esteem, sense of self? As children we don’t have the capability or capacity to deferentiate what we own vs. what the parent owns so we invaribly take on a belief system that it’s all about us.

The truth is our parents likely learned this behaviour from their parents who learned it from…..so it’s in our DNA. So blame mode is useless – as it always is. We can only hope that the best of who we are was also reinforced. Meanwhile on our journey of life we find whatever works for us to help us to learn to be fully the love that we are.

It’s huge when we become self aware at the conscious level. We can logically think about what is true and what is not. The work then becomes how to make the shift at the limbic or unconscious level. In my case I have some meditations that are directed specifically to making these shifts at my limbic (or subconscious) level – and the work continues.

Who am I? I am worthwhile! I am powerful. I am love and I am loved. I am Patricia Ruth Barnes Milland.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Baby Steps

Baby steps
One at a time
Come to me
As if in a line

Sometimes I pay attention
Sometimes I don’t
When I do, I win
When I don’t, I don’t

When I pay attention
My life feels full
I like who I am
I have that extra pull

I want to become more
No longer feel low
I become more aware
Of how far I can go

Being right doesn’t serve me
Being open always does
To renewing my faith
In the end it’s about love

It’s not that I’m not good
I am learning I am
It’s the insights that shift
Becoming more of I AM

It’s funny – not really
How we just plugged along
One foot in front of the other
With the thought we are alone

When I pay attention
The journey’s worthwhile
I have something to offer
That brings from within, a smile

To continue to pay attention
For the gifts that I receive
For when I ask for guidance
How quickly I perceive

The clarity comes swiftly
Most of the time
It’s when I pay attention
I make the change mine

It’s easy when we ask
For the help we so desire
It’s in the letting go
Of having to stay in the fire